The Fear of Rejection

The other day I was talking to the lovely Miss Jenkins via Gchat and while we were discussing working out our conversation somehow turned towards picking up women. As I tried to think back on how the conversation took such a sharp change of direction I couldn’t remember so I just decided to post an excerpt of our conversation.

Miss Jenkins: I wish I had a gym buddy

Me: lol make some friends at the gym.

that’s what i do.

well i guess it’s easier for a guy to do

Miss Jenkins: Lol

I was about to say that

Women look at you crazy

And dudes it’s like, hmm

Me: yeah. i’ve heard the horror stories of dudes trying to holla at the gym.


Miss Jenkins: Lol

I mean I wouldn’t mind so long as it’s done the right way lol

Me: what’s the right way? (you know in case i see you around)

Miss Jenkins: Lol

Just respectful I guess

Me: ok. that’s a given

well maybe it’s not

Miss Jenkins: Lol


I guess it’s hard to define

But it’s a know it when you see

Me: oh ok. cool.

like i would anyway. i have trouble approaching women i don’t know

Miss Jenkins: Is that so?

Even with all that self confidence?

Me: yep. i have a fear of rejection. i’ve been rejected far too many times in my life.

Miss Jenkins: i know the feeling

welcome to the club

I’m a very confident person. Borderline cocky. I walk that fine line with such ease and pizazz. 1. Yes I was cocky in the way I described how confident I am and 2. yes I used the word pizazz in a sentence. Don’t believe me? Ask anyone that you know (because they probably know me as well) and they’ll tell you how confident I am. I mean we all found bravery in my bravado. As you can tell by my conversation with Miss Jenkins, there’s one thing that I’ve never been able to master and that’s picking up random women. By random women I mean women who I don’t know at all. Strangers who I might happen to cross paths with in the grocery store, library, club gas station, etc. I’ve come up with plenty of theories on why I have this issue and only one has made sense.

The Fear of Rejection

See it all started when I was a young lad. See I suffer from what people call the ugly duckling syndrome. Growing up I didn’t believe I was the best looking fellow so before I grew into my looks I had to develop a personality. And I have a great personality (told you I was confident). The thing people overlook when dealing with the ugly duckling syndrome is the damage it can instill into a person’s psyche. I dealt with rejection so much in my youth eventually I just stopped trying. As I look back at all the women whom I’ve dealt with on a romantic level I’ve known in some form or fashion. Either a classmate or friend of a friend.

As social as I am I never go out with the intent of meeting women. Besides from the fact I think meeting women in a dimly lit room where hearing is at a minimum is a bad idea, I don’t like deal with repudiation well. I have friends who play the numbers game in the club. You know, holla at ten chicks and out that ten at least one has to give you her number. I guess they play the averages. I think inversely. I’m not thinking about the one number I got. I’m thinking about the nine that I didn’t get. In my mind I think that if I approach you then you should be flattered. Yeah of course you don’t know me but still…so?  Yeah maybe 40 other dudes have tried to get your number that night and I’m number 41 but I’m different. No really I am. On the other hand I do get approached by a good number of women so that should offset things but that’s another post for another day.

This all ties back into my fear of rejection. So how do you deal with rejection? Are you the type that thinks “you never know until you try?” Women do you approach men? And if you do, do you fear rejection?


19 thoughts on “The Fear of Rejection

  1. max

    I don’t approach random men. Not so much out of a fear of rejection – there’s a limit to how upset I can really get if someone I don’t know at all doesn’t want to talk to me – but because I think it’s a bad move for women to do it. Which is another conversation for another day.

    p.s. I can’t believe you called yourself “borderline cocky”. Dude you are the cockiest person I’ve ever encountered. But I like cocky so that’s a good thing.

  2. LaLaBakir

    I’ve approached men on occasions. The last time was about 2 years ago…at a Jay-Z concert. Dude and I were chatting (we sat next to each other), so after the show I asked if we could keep in touch. He said he had a girl *dry face* I can be really weird. Sometimes I’m extremely confident and I’ll approach a guy out of nowhere (like above example) or I can be really shy and won’t say anything (dude at the gym).

    I definitely fear rejection. Like you, I was picked on in school and it made me really self conscious. Add being tall in the mix, and for the longest my confidence wasn’t strong at all.

    1. madscientist7 Post author

      well at least dude was honest. a lot of dudes would have exchanged numbers and not mentioned anything about having a girl. i think you should say something to the dude at the gym. make it your mission next time you see him.

  3. TheMostInterestingManintheWorld

    The best way to deal with the fear of rejection is to not have expectations when approaching a chick. And the best way to do that is to find a reason to approach her besides the fact that you find her physically attractive. Take the physicality of it off the table. Find another reason to talk to her. Maybe she has a book in her hand that you’ve read, or are interested in reading. Maybe she’s wearing something you really like… just.find.something. If you can make yourself believe that you’re talking to this chick, not because you’re attracted to her physically, but because she has something else that interests you, your brain will focus in on that thing and you’ll forget to fear rejection. Once the conversation gets going, if there’s chemistry, there’s chemistry, it’ll all be natural. From there, you just gotta be brave enough to exchange contact info. That’s the last hurdle.

  4. Mildred

    Hmmmm…fear of rejection. There was a time when I did hold back on things due to fear of rejection, but now I don’t think much of being rejected in any way. I do a lot of self-talk to prepare myself for the “rejection”, and take my chance by moving on with my action/s. I’ve learned to be a little more risky than before-always trying to play things safe. I still won’t approach a dude if I were single though-he should. But, I would approach a dude to give him a compliment.

    Oh, I peeped that cocky thing in ya’, but I can handle it cuz I also sense your humbleness-good balance.

  5. That Damn African

    Damn, I sure was thinking about writing a post about this lol.

    Yup, I’m pretty much the same. Had the ugly duckling syndrome and everything. I’ll do you one better though, all my romantic interests & relationships were not only with women that I already knew, but that I already knew were interested in me. Didn’t put myself out there till I had a good idea that she was interested. Spent a lot of time guarding my sensitive pride. Fortunately, I’m making some strides away from that mindset.

  6. Jubilance

    I’m very social & I flirt effortlessly, so I approach more men than the average woman. If I approach a guy & he isn’t feeling me for whatever reason, generally that doesn’t bother me. I don’t take it personally, he doesn’t know me. What I DO take personally is when I’ve been dating a guy & he doesn’t want to be my BF. That makes me think there’s something wrong with me.

    Maybe I’m alone in this tho.

  7. Streetz

    Good Post.

    To be honest, when it comes to conversing without rejection I feel some ppl are born and some are bred. I have been blessed to have natural communication skills. I love to engage in conversation, ask questions, debate, and learn from others. When my goal is to “holla’ at another woman though, I may tighten up a bit because I don’t want to look like a sucka, so what i do is (not to sound corny) I be myself. you lose 100% of the shots you don’t take on the court right? what do you have to lose. You’re “the Bruhz”, so i dont gotta tell you bout humbleness and having a IDGAF tude for a lil embarassment.

    I also go off of intuition. If I feel a good vibe I’ll engage, if not I’ll just chill. Trust that too.

      1. Streetz

        Yeah I feel you. I think like Most alluded to, dont focus on the holla. Dont even think about it as hollerin. Make conversation the hardest part is the info exchange. Thats why things like BBM make it oh so easy! lol

  8. Yogi

    I’m a shy person by nature but I’ve come out my shell a lot…well if i have to be the outgoing one I can easily adapt…but I have a hard time approaching guys I’m totally attracted to when I’m sober…if I have some liquid confidence then I would be more willing. I did approach a guy not to long ago and he totally didn’t give me any play.. that bruised my ego…but I think I will start approaching men more because hey…he just may be just as scared and if we both don’t say nothing….nothing will get said!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s