Every Girl or Just One Girl?

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If you missed part one of the conversation between LaLaBakir, Star and myself then you can catch it here: Chante’s Got A Man…so what? We discussed the topic of “Is there a shortage of good men or a shortage of women who recognize good men?”
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Star: c’mon Tunde, be honest…having multiple women, having freedom, having choices, being young and irresponsible is just plain fun!
Me: nothing in life is guaranteed. shit life isn’t guaranteed.
Star: being the man of a household is a LOT of work and responsibility
Me: so women don’t like to have fun too?
LaLa: touche tu, touche
Me: why are you making it seem like its just a man issue
Star: not as much as men…
Me: these men are having fun with somebody?
LaLa: and not in the same way
Star: Real talk-having one man to me is INFINITELY more fun than entertaining many.
LaLa: to me having fun is being able to come and go as I pleased, just worrying about me
Me: exactly @Cha
Star: in the HOPE that she’ll be “fun” enough to effing keep!
LaLa: not sexing it up w/ every dude that swings his bat my way. Tu please! you know it’s dudes that’s trying to hit everything moving
Me: what? ummm.
LaLa: and THAT’s why they don’t wanna settle down
Me: once again. generalities. i turn down way more pussy than i take.
LaLa: i didn’t say all dudes. but there are alot of dudes w/ that mentality
Star: to me, it’s reasurring to know that he’ll be home when I get there…to know that at 5:15 when the phone rings, that’s him…to see a cool new restaurant and know that I’ve got someone to go with that I actually care about…to trust that when I give to him my all, he will return that affection and commitment…
Me: i know a lot of guys in my position that turn down pussy left and right. sometimes busting a nut just isn’t worth the hassle that comes with it
Star: the hassle=a girl trying to lock you down, coincidence?
Me: for real? no
LaLa: i get that Tu, i do. and you and your homies…are the exception for the most part. you really don’t understand how many dudes try to beat me over my head w/ their ‘game’ just to smash
Star: ^^^^^THIS
JUST.
TO.
SMASH!
LaLa: and when i call them out on their shit and make it real clear that “I ain’t fcking”…the texts stop, the phone calls stop
Star: thinking that they’re really offering me something!
LaLa: now he’s not as persistent
Star: even…THE GOOD ONES!
Me: if i want sex from you and that’s it. guess what? i let that be known from the jump.
Star: my Him never committed to me because “I’m used to more experienced women”
LaLa: I guess what i’m saying is I encounter a lot my frauds than genuine dudes
Star: yup
LaLa: and what effs the “game” up..is dudes who perpetrate like they want more…when they really don’t
Star: and we all wanna have sex Tu, this isn’t just about sex…
LaLa: but i suppose that’s a different story for a different day
Me: in my opinion there’s no need to lie to women to get beats. there are plenty of women out here who do that.
Star: for me it’s really about desire to build something long term together… THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! “and what effs the “game” up..is dudes who perpetrate like they want more…when they really don’t”
Me: ((shrug))  i still think this is one of those things that you speak and think into fruition.
Star: YOU can shrug, it doesn’t effect your LIFE. see how we can get frustrated?
LaLa: exactly!
Me: you think dudes just want your goods and there are no good dudes out there then guess what? that’s what you’re going to encounter.
Lala: That’s not what we’re saying!
Star: but how many women really think that????? why would we keep looking????
Lala: and I don’t think that. I don’t think every dude is scheming, and is bad. not at all…i know that’s not true
Star: we’re saying you’re rare, you’re special, you’re the cream of the crop… Tu you sound like the rich man trying to tell the poor that money isn’t all that important… BECAUSE YOU’VE GOT IT!
Me: i’m sorry. i can just speak for my surroundings and what i see.
LaLa: but the lines gets blurred really quickly when you have so called “good” dudes acting like the common jerk
Me: i know there’s dudes out there that aren’t shit
Star: so do we…
Me: there’s easy ways around that.
Star: but can you throw a chick a phone number though IJS
Me: call them on their bullshit
LaLa: LLMAO!!! I DO TUNDE!!!!
Me: like Cha said. make it clear you ain’t fucking
Chavon: Oh, sorry for the caps,lol
Me: they’ll go that way —->
Star: we do..
Me: the ones that want more will stick around.
LaLa: quick has hell to
Star: oh, THAT’S clear! lol but even the good guy… when he has the choice between smart, pretty, fun and will eff me and smart, pretty, fun, and I have to wait til marriage to hit…um, they choose option 1.
Me: why wouldn’t they? i would too at first.
Star: how do we change our circumstances? tell us?
LaLa: it doesn’t bother me like it used to. i could give a fuck less..it’s the bs that is extremely old. like, yo…LEAVE ME ALONE
Me: but if he really sees that you’re worth it then he’ll choose number 2.
LaLa: i suppose shrugs
Star: how will he ever know that I’m worth it if he bolts when he finds out no pums? we’re so off topic…
Me: not really. this all ties into a good man.the thing is do you have something to offer besides your love below?
i know there’s women i’ve dated and really liked that i never slept with. know why? she had things to offer me outside of that. i enjoyed spending time with her outside of the bedroom.
LaLa: actually i do think I have a lot more to offer than that
Star: here it is in a nutshell pushes against the air, get it, I’m in a nutshell : I believe that there are good men, it frustrates me that good men have so many options that they have no incentive to settle down, I get frustrated at the amount of men that approach me simply looking for sex, and in exasperation I’ve been know to ask where the “good” (life headed int he same direction, ready to commit, into me and I’m into them) men are.
Me: no offense but every woman thinks she does.
LaLa: And I’d also like to add, that I’ve spoken to my parents about this topic (daddy, mommy and step mom) and they all say that they are happy they are not dating during this time
Star: totally…I do believe that I offer so much more…and I’m eager to share that…which is why it’s so frustrating when all the men who approach me want is the goods…
LaLa: they see the “issues” and what not that we face as young adults
Me: honestly i don’t think this issue is going to get any better between men and women. people are going to get married even more later in life as time goes on. hell the rate of marriage is going to plummet.
Star: and this is helping our frustration how?
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66 thoughts on “Every Girl or Just One Girl?

  1. Veronica

    Star: to me, it’s reasurring to know that he’ll be home when I get there…to know that at 5:15 when the phone rings, that’s him…to see a cool new restaurant and know that I’ve got someone to go with that I actually care about…to trust that when I give to him my all, he will return that affection and commitment…

    DITTO!!

    This right here is where the “good guys” get all blurry!
    “and what effs the “game” up..is dudes who perpetrate like they want more…when they really don’t”

    Are there hood guys out there? Of course. Are all good guys good at the time u want them to be? Hell naw! Which is frustrating too.. But this fella who is fucking the game up more tomestjan not creates the “whore” or bitter woman.. Because he won’t just out right say “we just fuckin”… He leaves it open to her interpretation- she interprets it as a budding relationship while he just getting knocked off… When the shit hits the fan- he shrugs it off as “well I never said we were together” and she’s angry trying to mend a broken heart… Making it difficult to identify and trust the next SEEMINGLY good guy who comes along.. -vs- another jerky boy.

    Personally I’ve had enough of the “ohh we having fun- I wonder what he thinks about me. We gonna grow or we just fuckin” moments…. (sigh). Feelings been hurt enough- but fortunately for me- I’m not the bitter type… Guess it’s my light touch of extreme self awareness that makes me keep moving on.. Knowing my good guy is out there somewhere..,

    Reply
    1. Starita34

      You know what I’m saying? That’s what I want-to ME, that’s freedom. That one man, that steady rock, (in two ways ;-)lol) that I can depend on, that is building a life with me. I’ll take that freedom over the freedom to eff as many men as I want, what I need that for? Or the freedom to not shave my legs…you can have it! The freedom to go out with the girls all the time-uh, I’m getting wifed, not put into prison, so what if I miss a night out here or there? Even men realize that flitting from lady flower to lady flower gets tired and feels hollow eventually. Don’t be mad that I been knowing that since 13.

      Reply
      1. madscientist7 Post author

        “Or the freedom to not shave my legs…you can have it”

        so you’re saying once you get in a relationship or get married you’re going to stop shaving your legs? whatever happened to keep doing what you did to get him/her? smh j/k lol

      2. Starita34

        LOL, you got it backwards, when you’re single ain’t nobody touching your legs, if you skip a day (or week), no biggie. When you’re in a relationship, you keep on top of stuff like that because it matters. To me at least.

    2. madscientist7 Post author

      “she interprets it as a budding relationship while he just getting knocked off…”

      here’s where asking where the relationship is going. trying to interpret anything by yourself is mistake number 1. what’s wrong with saying “where do you think this relationship is heading?” you try to determine things on your own and you’ll end up on your own.

      Reply
      1. Veronica

        I agree with the asking… But on average- how often does it happen. You are 100% correct that thrying to figure it out isn’t always the way to go, but just like she should ask “where is this going”, he could just as easily volunteer the info. It’s still a two way street. From all the blogs, articles, posts, rants, vents and arguments I’ve heard during my “dating life span” it always brings me back to communication is missing! We all want a good somebody but too rarely do we actually communicate about what our “good” is. We rarely talk to that guy/girl about what you expect from him/her. I think a lot of confusion could be nipped on the bud right there! And that- is my personal experience/disappointment/heart ache. I know I haven’t (in the past) been brave enough to just say, “yo, I might let u finish and all- but imma need mire than your good looks, good body, and good schlong!”. Lol But each situation is a lesson- and imma life student… I’m taking notes and sifting through the rift raft!

      2. FLYY

        Tunde!! You know you can’t ask that question too early in the game cuz then you are ‘moving too fast’ even if it’s just for informational purposes.

        whomps.

    3. FLYY

      Because he won’t just out right say “we just fuckin”… He leaves it open to her interpretation- she interprets it as a budding relationship while he just getting knocked off… When the shit hits the fan- he shrugs it off as “well I never said we were together”

      THIS!
      Or the man that changes his mind about wht it is that he wants mid-‘dating’ and doesn’t inform the other party; he started off saying ‘yea… I’d like to build a relationship with someone I trust… blah blah blah’ and then after a few weeks/months he decides she isn’t it. Cool. Tell her. But nah, he can’t do that b/c it’s quite possible she’ll cut off the beats…

      Reply
      1. Euphoric Ears

        c/s Flyy on both comments

        If you’re direct and upfront that’s defintely a no-no! How dare you attempt to handle your heart and time with care and inquire about what you’re getting yourself into?!

      2. madscientist7 Post author

        on your first point, yeah if you ask me that within two weeks of meeting you then i’m going to think you’re psycho. but a grown woman should be able to gauge when is a good time to have that conversation.

        i’ll cosign your second point. if a man (or woman) decides that they no longer desire the direction the relationship is going then its up to them to let the other party know how they feel. if the consequence is no more beats then so be it.

  2. nowsayitwithme

    My goodness. 2011 is going to be a controversial year within the blog community. I went from sitting up straight to putting my hand under my chin. I have a question for every woman that I’m going to tweet later today. But WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU HAVE TO OFFER (aside from the good-good) THAT SHOULD MAKE A GUY STICK AROUND? And no cheesy answers like “personality, looks, you can cook, etc.” Make it juicy, no wet-wet. I’ve been too honest with my replies and comments on posts lately & I can honestly say on some real-talk no G shit (sooo redundant) I don’t know my answer to that question on the spot. Does that make me unprepared to release this single status & be snatched up? Nah. But back to the topic at hand…

    The single life does allow for all the freedom that Le Ménage à trois mentioned (you three).

    I wanted to play devil’s advocate but there aren’t any bad sides of this discussion. SO first, the ladies:
    Cha, Star, I understand what you ladies are saying. The sad majority of guys we’ve managed to run into [so far] are chasing beats faster than a racing heart. And I’ve spoken to a lot of guys and they ALL say that after the pums, why go any further? I personally think it’s sad that that’s where the chase ends. I guess it’s nice that you now know a lot about a woman’s worth now that you’ve gotten between her legs. Fuck her intellect and everything else she does offer. Conversation, a good time, interesting (insert other good stuff), PLEASE! Forget that! You’ve gotten into the Wet-Wet and now you know all about her. She’s boring to you. (-_____-) And then, they pull Houdini acts and vanish because you won’t give it up? Mehh.

    Now Tree, I appreciate the fact that men like you exist. You’re nowhere near perfect, as you admitted that you’d also go after girl #1 who offered the yams first as opposed to girl #2 who wanted you to wait a bit. But there are a lot… A LOT of guys that do have that mentality of having more than one option woman. Now when you say
    sometimes busting a nut just isn’t worth the hassle that comes with it
    What’s this “hassle” you speak of? I may know the answer to it but I gotta start asking more questions. Only way I’ll get answers. Believe it or not, being straight forward is not in the plan of many. They don’t just want to beat the puss, they want to beat the bush too to get to the goody-goods. (Excuse my analogies lol but they make me giggle) The guy I just cut off was a Prince of Bullshitting. He’d rather play with the bush than come right out and say he enjoys having sex with me. Okay, let me drift off and hit you three at the same time (pause)

    Tu said: “you think dudes just want your goods and there are no good dudes out there then guess what? that’s what you’re going to encounter.”

    I think that’s a true statement. It’s just like women saying chivalry is dead. If they go about thinking that way, then that’s all they’ll attract and encounter. Dudes without a chivalrous bone in their body.

    Star said: “we’re saying you’re rare, you’re special, you’re the cream of the crop… Tu you sound like the rich man trying to tell the poor that money isn’t all that important… BECAUSE YOU’VE GOT IT!”

    Yeah, it’s easier for you to say Tu cuz you’re living that life of a man that a lot of women are searching for. One of those easier said things… *shrug*

    And finally..
    Lala: “t doesn’t bother me like it used to. i could give a fuck less..it’s the bs that is extremely old. like, yo…LEAVE ME ALONE”

    THE bullshit. It’s so old. It’s played out. I enjoy calling people out on their bullshit, from time to time. After a while, it’s like “I’ve been completely honest to you. Don’t disrespect me and play my intelligence. Come on..”

    Tuh! This was a great post. Another one. Sheesh. (Excuse my slight profanity) I look forward to more of this.

    Reply
    1. madscientist7 Post author

      “WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU HAVE TO OFFER (aside from the good-good) THAT SHOULD MAKE A GUY STICK AROUND?”

      i really can’t answer that. its different from woman to woman. for me to really stick around i have to see something in you that lets me know that she has staying power. longevity if you will. if i don’t see that then i know i’m wasting my time. sure it may be fun for the short term but i doubt i’d invest any emotions in her.

      -What’s this “hassle” you speak of?

      let’s not pretend that for a second that sex outside of committed relationships doesn’t happen. but too often it happens and [some] women think that puts their claim on a man. no it doesn’t. sure you shared intimate moments but that doesn’t mean that sex equates to a a committed relationship. if we have sex and no talk was established about a defined parameter of what we are then we are not together. sure the potential is there for us to build on something but far too often [some] women kill that opportunity by “hassling” men.

      Reply
    2. Euphoric Ears

      Hey Suki boo! I can’t wait for you to post that question on Twitter. I think I can construct an in depth answer for you…and as a bonus, I also can list some areas/traits about me that might get on someone’s nerves,lol.

      Because let’s be real, with that “offering” you’re gonna get a few that you wish you could return. But if you truly accept the person for who they are, things will work out.

      Oh, and I think people can’t really give an honest assessment of what they have to offer w/o looking at their “flaws” or less desirable traits as well.

      Reply
  3. Veronica

    (tipping back in) sorry- but I just thought about this. SO- the issue is ‘no good men’ -vs- ‘plenty of good men, just impatient women’? right? THEN I’ve seen the question, ‘well other than sex, what do you have to offer’? My question to THAT question is, ‘what is it that a man is looking for? It’s been my experiences that men sometimes SAY one thing (in reference to what they want) and then CHASE the exact opposite. Lucky for me I don’t tend to follow the crowd, but can this NOT be confusing? Good guy SAYS he wants ‘down to earth girl Pearl’. This down to earth girl is staring him in the face but he chases the loose booty floozy Susie down the street. Now this lil poor down to earth girl is confused and feels like she had to go the extra mile to catch the good guy’s attention and before you know it… Good Girl Pearl is ACTING just a loose as Susie!! What do ya want men? Good guy?!?! Tell us… or me for that matter…what is it that the ‘Good guy’ wants? I know ya’ll are out there… **listening**

    Reply
    1. madscientist7 Post author

      “Now this lil poor down to earth girl is confused and feels like she had to go the extra mile to catch the good guy’s attention and before you know it…”

      and who’s fault is that? no one asked her to go and imitate someone else to get a guy. if it takes all that then she doesn’t need that guy in the first place. i would say thats common sense but common sense isn’t really that common. instead of her trying to get some guys attention who is not really seeing her for her she needs to find someone who likes/loves her for her. but i guess that just sounds too much like right.

      Reply
      1. Veronica

        who’s fault is it? If it’s turning into a blame game then fault is on both parties. Fault on the guy for SAYING he wants one kid of girl but persuing the other..so it’s his fault that he’s not being truthful to either himself or to the girl who THOUGHT she was what he SAID he wanted.

        OR fault can be placed on the girl for doing what you said- for not being strong enough to embrace who she is and being HER for the ‘HIM’ who will eventually come along…

        so who’s fault? both…

      1. madscientist7 Post author

        that’s easy to explain. you have two levels of desire. desire that fulfills your carnal desires and then desire that fulfills everything else. which would you rather be used to fulfill?

  4. That Damn African

    “Me: i’m sorry. i can just speak for my surroundings and what i see.”

    I feel like one of the things that this conversation and others like it have glanced over is this:

    Women and men are generally in agreement that there are plenty of “good” women. However, what we can’t agree on is that there are plenty of “good” men. Women agree that good men exist and men agree that bad men exist. So what’s the issue? Women, like Star & LaLa, have more interactions with dudes who are just in it to hit it. Men, like me & Tunde, have more interactions with dudes who aren’t. That’s where (at least part) the confusion stems from. The experiences of the opposite sex don’t agree with our own.

    Is this to say one side is wrong and the other is right? No. And there’s the issue. Maybe in the end, the women who mainly get approached by “ain’t-sh*t-ninjas” are right because that’s what they experience and the men who know and hang out with single, good men are right because that’s what they experience.

    Why is there this difference in experiences with the quality of men and not as much with the quality of women? Who knows.

    Reply
    1. Starita34

      What are you the Peace Ambassador? Men are wrong and bad and that is that. 😉 JK

      I really feel and appreciate what you’re saying B. It’s true, we get different perspectives according to our roles. Like the neighbor lady being interviewed on the news saying what “A nice boy” the serial killer was that lived next to her for the last 12 years. OK, he was a good neighbor to her, that’s no less true-but am I going on a date with the dude? Well…the clock is ticking… 😉

      I’m just saying, and it can’t be said enough, because seriously the men vs. women ish has GOT to stop, that I really appreciate you seeing it from a woman’s perspective. Maybe your boy is an awesome friend, maybe he’s a great son, even a superior employee and top flight student; but when he was on a date with me-he didn’t show me that. He showed me his snatch serial killer face and it wasn’t pretty. That was my reality.

      It’s in my best interest to believe in good men, and I do. That doesn’t change the fact that my experiences haven’t always been good. And once again “good” is in the eye of the beholder…

      Reply
  5. N.I.A. naturally

    A few points…
    1. I think every man who approaches me initially wants sex. I’m a good looking lady, nice body, why wouldn’t you want to have sex with me? Thing is, I am in control of who gets it and who doesn’t, and it is my job to let him know that I have more going on than that so he will want to get to know me, not what’s between my legs, because my vagina does not make me. And if he chooses to bounce after that, that’s fine. There are plenty of women who will take whatever they can get from a dude. I’m not one of them.

    2. What is a good man? I think some of us get fooled by degrees, jobs, and church attendance. For me, a good man is some who is honorable, respectful, loyal to friends and family, trustworthy, honest, loving, caring. A man who is actually a good person. A lot of men are good men on paper, but are worthless pieces of trash in real life. And unfortunately, some of these men are supported by friends and family, which makes it harder for us to point them out, and run in the other direction.

    Truth is, dating and relationships is a crap shoot. you don’t really know what you’re going to get until you actually get it. It sucks, and I’ve crapped out a few times, but I’ve also had hot streaks, straight sevens and elevens. lol.

    Reply
    1. FLYY

      *waves church fan*
      *drop a dub in the offering plate*
      *does victory laps around the sanctuary*

      Whoooo! NIA! Girl you tell em! That #2 you dropped (pause) was on POINT. I know a lot of women that get fooled by the paper… the one’s w/ the dead presidents and the one’s with the university president’s signature & neiter make a good man. & my family has been one of those to support a man child who was good on paper but a worthless black in dating/relationships. So many times I felt so sad for the chick at hand…

      Reply
    2. Menelaus

      NIA, did said men approach you from behind or from the front? Based on other supporting information his impression may have been completely different of you. JK…

      Reply
  6. Menelaus

    Do people become Christians for everlasting life because they want to have eternal life, or because they really believe in the concepts and want to walk like Christ?

    Do you think that most men want to be with one girl instead of every girl because they can’t consistently pull the best of the best on a regular basis. What if you could have any woman you wanted when you wanted her? And not like, oh but you can never find the perfect one… But seriously, you can have whoever you want when you want them. I don’t think that many men would be so quick to settle down. The reason why I say this is because sometimes men say, I turn down a lot of sex from women. What they won’t tell you is, the women offering ain’t all that great anyway.

    Just my two cents.

    Reply
    1. madscientist7 Post author

      “What they won’t tell you is, the women offering ain’t all that great anyway.”

      i think it really depends on what your definition of great is. also like i said earlier in the comments section a lot of women will offer up their pu$$y on a platter without telling the fine print that she put on it. if that isn’t reason enough to turn down beats i don’t know what is.

      Reply
  7. Mildred

    Interesting choice of topic. Basically there are “no good men” and “no good women” out here, and vise versa.
    I wouldn’t want to be in the dating game too at this time.

    Reply
  8. Cryssy

    “we’re saying you’re rare, you’re special, you’re the cream of the crop…”

    I will have to go back and read the entire thread and comments posted… BUT this gave me MAJOR pause.

    It bothers me to my core when I hear women going on and on about how there are no good men out there and they all are playing dogs – yadda yadda. This is hard for me to swallow for a number of reasons but the main one is — IT JUST IS NOT TRUE!!!

    There are several GOOD men around and SEVERAL good women. They tend to find each other, befriend each other, and run in the same circles. If as a woman or man you are constantly running into NOT shit men/women you should probably take a long look in the mirror at why…

    Men give you exactly what you demand from them and if they won’t you move around and re evaluate WHY they looked your way in the first place. People are rushing to find “the right one” and not taking the time to see what is being shown to them. When someone isn’t shit they show you that early on WATCH THE SIGNS.

    Being in a committed relationship isn’t for everyone. That is a fact! However MANY women find themselves hurt because they want to be the “ONE” to change his mind.

    Tunde you are not rare… you are the norm! You have many qualities of what a good man looks like. We all want to have fun but the GOOD ones recognize that HURTING people isn’t really that much of a good time.

    I think we also have to realize not EVERYONE we date is meant to be “the one”. Dating is a learning experience and while you have some good and some bad; you have to adjust when/if it becomes the end and move on. People get so salty IMO because they feel like “THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO WORK” says who? no really who?

    Reply
    1. madscientist7 Post author

      interesting comment crys.

      1. i never said i was rare. i said i can only speak for what i see and what i’m exposed to.

      “If as a woman or man you are constantly running into NOT shit men/women you should probably take a long look in the mirror at why…”

      i agree with this 100% which kind of goes into what i was saying.

      “People get so salty IMO because they feel like “THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO WORK” says who? no really who?”

      lol i don’t think that people are saying every relationship is SUPPOSED to work but who honestly at our age enters relationships expecting it to fail? that’s really a waste of time. sure if things don’t work out you can use it as a learning experience and move on but to not have hope that its going to work is another completely different matter.

      Reply
    2. Euphoric Ears

      I think you missed some of the major points of the conversation. Not sure if you read the previous post, but it was agreed upon that there are good men out there…the question at hand was if there is a shortage of them or is their a shortage of women who recognize them.

      As you yourself said, dating is a learning experience. Regardless of how good of a person you are (male or female), you will encounter who may not be “up to par”. That’s part of the game.

      Reply
  9. Cryssy

    “FLYY
    Tunde!! You know you can’t ask that question too early in the game cuz then you are ‘moving too fast’ even if it’s just for informational purposes.

    whomps.”

    so not true… on date #3 with my s/o I made it clear at the stage in my life I was looking to build a future with someone and I wasn’t dating for sport. I also made it clear that if this grew into more he could not date me for X amount of years. I will not spend my life waiting for him to marry me and look up 10, 12, 16 years later and we are still just girlfriend and boyfriend. Why? Especially when I know I want more? And… he is still here! Plans are being made…We are growing towards our goal (the same goal). My expectations were laid out early and because he was ready to walk that and WITH me — he didn’t run away!

    Who scares about scaring someone away? I mean if you don’t lay out the expectations men and women of how you expect to be treated, dated, loved, and how you even give love back — how are they to know?

    Reply
    1. madscientist7 Post author

      wait you said all that on the 3rd date? it must have been a hell of a first two dates. i would have looked at you like you were crazy. even if i was feeling you at that time and i had ideas of it maybe heading that way i don’t know how i would have reacted. perhaps in the same way as your s/o but i doubt it.

      Reply
    2. FLYY

      It’s not that I don’t or we don’t (as women) lay out expectations… we all ask the “what are you looking for?” question when you initially start dating, but the what I’m looking for in general and ‘is this person giving me what I’m looking for’ are two separate issues.

      If a man tells me on date 2 that he’s interested in eventually finding long term commitment, marriage, children, etc… I think it would be crazy of me to assume he means w/ me b/c i happen to be on this date w/ him. Sometime later the ‘where is this going?’ happens which then begs the question are you finding that long term goal HERE w/ me… and if not, then I have some choices to make. My point to Tunde was asking that 2nd part of the question can be giant hurdle. I know he asserts that as a grown woman I should be able to guage when that’s right but for a man who is looking for nothing but fun… that time is never right. Lol. Additionally, men never want to go there… they groan inwardly e’ry tahm!!

      Reply
  10. Alexius Francois

    While I agree that men have more options as far as settling down, I also believe that we are fighting an uphill battle when “courting” a woman. I’m in the same boat as Tunde when it comes down to women that I dated that I never slept with. They kept me around simply by the way they made me feel. And I believe that if we had gone forward to have sex in those situations then she and I would have enjoyed it 1000 times more than preemptive sex. But regardless of our intentions as men, women tend to have a skeptical wall set up that basically has “all you want is sex” spray painted on it. Now if you are walking around a club and you have more skin out than a go go dancer and a guy is hellbent on buying you drinks, chances are, he just wants to f*ck. But when you peg the guy who approaches you in the coffee shop while you are in sweats and a hat as only wanting to hit, then you probably aren’t being fair…

    Reply
    1. madscientist7 Post author

      “But regardless of our intentions as men, women tend to have a skeptical wall set up that basically has “all you want is sex” spray painted on it.”

      i think the problem is that [sometimes] women don’t give men enough credit. not all of us are out to have sex with you. to assume so is simply preposterous. like is your pu$$y that good that every dude you come across just has to have it? doubt it.

      “Now if you are walking around a club and you have more skin out than a go go dancer and a guy is hellbent on buying you drinks, chances are, he just wants to f*ck. But when you peg the guy who approaches you in the coffee shop while you are in sweats and a hat as only wanting to hit, then you probably aren’t being fair…”

      – THIS! i wouldn’t put on a garbageman’s uniform unless i planned on going out and picking up trash. *shrug*

      Reply
    2. Euphoric Ears

      Good point on the “uphill battle” that some men experience. It’s totally not fair to the man (or to yourself for that matter) to assume right off the bat that he’s trying to beat. It makes things a hell of a lot more difficult for all parties.

      Reply
  11. Cryssy

    “1. i never said i was rare. i said i can only speak for what i see and what i’m exposed to.”

    Tunde you didn’t say that, the young lady did. Was speaking off that.

    And you shouldn’t go into every relationship expecting a ring either. I think that is a common mistake

    Reply
    1. madscientist7 Post author

      oh ok. my bad. lol

      i totally agree. it is a common mistake especially once a woman’s clock starts ticking she moves a warp speed while a man tends to move like molasses. is it wrong to ask a man to speed or a woman to slow down? or should you just find someone who is on your timetable?

      Reply
      1. Euphoric Ears

        Hmmm…I think you should find someone on your timetable. If you have to ask anyone to speed up or slow down, doesn’t that mean ya’ll REALLY aren’t on the same page?

      2. Starita34

        You can do irreparable damage by trying to date someone on another time table. It’s so hard to walk away, but it is for the best IMO…better that he miss you and wonder “what if” than to remember you as the chick pressuring him to wife you.

        Women would be in a much better position if we would trust our minds and walk away (myself included). But this damn heart…it’s got a powerful pull…

      3. Veronica

        Should you ask a woman to slow down or a man to speed up…

        Well- I THINK it’s okay to ask it, but be ready for the response. Ya know the old folks say, ‘a closed mouth doesn’t get fed’… What’s the harm in asking? One of two things will happen… #1- a change will be made becasue asking the question could actually trigger something and make the person in question realize that it realy is time to step it up (or slow it down). OR #2- a continuation of what’s happening will…. continue and a break up or parting of ways could come about. Why? Because asking the question could again trigger something to make the person in question realize this relationship going this fast is DEF not what I want… so GOTZ to jump ship (OR- realize that it’s going toooo slow and you ain’t got time to wait)…

        SO ask? YEP but just always remember- what ever question you ask YOU gotta be ready for the answer even if it’s not what you wanna hear..

  12. Cryssy

    “wait you said all that on the 3rd date?”

    I sure did and the point wasn’t for him to propose to me right there. He got where I was coming from, he could’ve said to me “I am really not looking for the same things you are right now” and then I could’ve made a choice to deal or not to deal. But clearly we were both in the same place and he understood my point.

    Reply
  13. Cryssy

    “is it wrong to ask a man to speed or a woman to slow down?”

    It is never wrong to ask, I think many are not asking just simply avoiding.

    “or should you just find someone who is on your timetable?”

    That depends on the person. It can be really hard dating someone who isn’t in the same place as you. Moving at rapidly different paces can create issues in a relationship that could’ve maybe been avoided by being REAL with yourself about YOUR needs.

    “i’m not mad at ya”

    This I know… how could ya be! LOL – and we never know how we will react until it happens. Remember he is 4 years younger and I am sure he never thought a woman would say that to him and probably thought in his mind HOW he would react if one did.

    Reply
  14. Cryssy

    @FLYY

    “If a man tells me on date 2 that he’s interested in eventually finding long term commitment, marriage, children, etc… I think it would be crazy of me to assume he means w/ me b/c i happen to be on this date w/ him.”

    Agreed! When I told my s/o that I wasn’t telling him it needed to be him and it needed to be him tomorrow. I needed him to understand what MY ultimate goal of dating was. I also let him know that I wasn’t just dating HIM! It was later on that we sat down and discussed US as a couple and the next steps.

    My point was so many are just going with the flow of ish and not even SAYING what they want. Once we had that conversation it was a pretty easy one cause we both wanted the same things. I think it becomes an issue only when ONE person isn’t there yet.

    @Euphoric Ears

    “the question at hand was if there is a shortage of them or is there a shortage of women who recognize them.”

    I don’t think there are either. BUT if I had to pick one I would say women are complacent right now and what they think makes a man good is far from what truly makes him good. I also think A LOT of women set themselves up for the “no good man” way of thinking.

    Reply
  15. Quis

    I read some good points supporting either side of the topic. My idea on a relationship w/o sex is a heightened friendship. Everything that can be done in a relationship can be done w/ friends, while allowing for freedom to do what you please when you please. Now if she informs me that she wants to wait to marriage to have sex w/ me then she gambles with the idea of losing me…same if I attempt to move the association in the sexual direction, I, too, am “rolling the dice”. It is what it is. Stipulations and selection pool are inversely related. You just have to be comfortable with what you want out of life.

    Reply
  16. Yogi

    I think after 3-6months of “dating” it’s a good time to ask someone the “where is the relationship going” question depending on how much time you have actually spent together during that time period. As I get older & wiser, I’m starting to change my prospective on this whole dating thing. I do believe that holding off on sex is a good idea….weed out the potentials from the non-potentials. If I’m not committed to someone, then why am I having sex with that person? He’s not my boyfriend…does he really don’t deserve to get the goods? No… If he/she can’t wait, DEUCES!! It’s not about them its about YOU!

    Reply
      1. Yogi

        I think that’s when you really get to know someone….I mean depending on how much time you spend with that person …you may get to know them sooner…if you see that person 3 times a week every week for 3 months then okay…where is this going? You should know by then if you want to be with someone exclusive or not….if you are just hanging out only a few times a month then it may take 6 months for you to really get to KNOW that person….

  17. Yogi

    Well I do have to say that I became exclusive with someone a few days after we met…we didn’t last that long…a little over a year…but if I would have taken time to get to know him better I probably would not have committed to him.

    Reply

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