Dream Sellers

Last week I read a post by Sowhatiff entitled Hustle Man, Don’t Sell Me A Dream. In the post she covered a guy that she dated. Essentially the guy sold her a dream. He didn’t do it on purpose but in the end she felt she would have been better off not buying what he was selling. I could be wrong but from what I got from the post he wasn’t a bad guy her intuition caused her to give pause and reconsider her future with the guy.

Here is my comment to her post:

i’ve definitely been sold a dream. i’m going to leave it at that.

I’m going to expand on a particular dream that I was sold. You see its not only men that sell women dreams. It goes both ways. I know it may be hard to believe but I have been sold beachfront property in Iowa. You see Sowhatiff had her woman’s intuition which allowed her to avoid a potentially sticky situation and come out virtually unscathed. Men, on the other hand usually take their time when deciding to settle down. When they find that one and fall in love their noses are wide open and they essentially throw caution to the wind and push all their chips to the middle of the table.

We do this because we figure if we put all our eggs in one basket then why wouldn’t the woman we are with. I mean all we hear women talk about is how men aren’t willing to settle down so when we decide we want to then she should be all in right?

Wrong.

Learned that the hard way.

Pause.

I learned through experience that a woman can/will give you a false sense of security while still doing dirt (virtually the same thing women complain about men doing). This led me to believe women can talk a big game. Just as big as men if not bigger. The difference is what happens to the person who gets sold the lemon. Men deal with heartbreak and disappointment entirely different than women. Instead of leaning on our friends and letting the world know we are hurt we react by running through other women. Philandering and breaking hearts trying (exercise in futility) to hurt the one who hurt us.

I’ve also been there.

Let me tell you a story.

There was this woman I was madly in love with. Like I really loved her. As far as I was concerned there was no other woman for me. That was until out the blue she broke up with me. She wanted to be friends. Reluctantly, I agreed because I figured that at least she would still be in my life. [At this point in my life I would have told her to kick rocks and keep her friendship. You live and you learn.] So, we became friends. Not really friends because I still wanted more from her. That was until two weeks later I found out she went back to dating the guy she dated right before me.

See at this point most women would have been done with the guy in question. Not a fool in love. When she found out the grass wasn’t greener on the other side she eventually came back and I took her back. After that things were smooth sailing and I began to think I made the right decision. Fast forward a year. At this point I’m thinking this is the woman for me and I’m contemplating marriage. Then I found out about this other guy. [She essentially had a backup plan.] At this point our relationship was never the same. It became rocky and reached the point of no return when she slapped me in public. [Anyone who knows me knows this is my biggest deal breaker.] After our relationship ended I learned that there was yet another guy in the picture I didn’t know about.

As you can guess after our relationship ended I turned into somewhat of a male whore. I never intended to hurt anyone who I may have dealt with along my process of trying to heal but I guess that’s how life is. Honestly, I’m over that heartbreak but it left my heart weary and a lot more cautious. Its kind of like scar tissue. Scar tissue forms in response to injury. Although scar tissue helps to repair injured tissue, it can present its own problems. Scar tissue represents a “weak spot” that is usually the first to rupture under a load. So these days my heart has a lot more chinks that are prone to crack and break.

I definitely think that women can sell dreams. It happens everyday.

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27 thoughts on “Dream Sellers

  1. Ni-Ni

    Who hasn’t been sold a dream before? Men AND women do it everyday. I thank God for a woman’s intuition. (And I seriously mean intuition and not doubt) It has kept me from getting involved and it not being the right time.

    “Its kind of like scar tissue. Scar tissue forms in response to injury. Although scar tissue helps to repair injured tissue, it can present its own problems. Scar tissue represents a “weak spot” that is usually the first to rupture under a load.” – I love this analogy, Tune!! I can definitely relate.

    As far as having a “back-up plan” I think it’s a cop out!! You are already setting your dream up to fail. I think people should just start being more honest with each other. Shoot if you just want sex then say it. You are gonna either get it or you ain’t. (You would be surprised how many people of the opposite sex want just that but in a monogamous way.) If your are not looking for a relationship then make it KNOWN, don’t beat around the bush to see what you can get out of it. Key is being honest and real with yourself and figuring out what you want.

    Reply
    1. madscientist7 Post author

      ” Shoot if you just want sex then say it. You are gonna either get it or you ain’t. (You would be surprised how many people of the opposite sex want just that but in a monogamous way.)”

      sometimes this work and sometimes it doesn’t. from personal experience i know that i’ve said that i wasn’t looking for anything serious and she echoed my sentiments. once sex is involved a lot of people change their tune quick, fast and in a hurry.

      Reply
  2. Veronica

    Ahhhh hhaaaa!! Interesting!! Reminds me of a convo we’ve had… This makes your “I don’t know” answer make more sense… Hmmm.. You’re a complexed lanky lil thang!!!

    I do agree with everything you’ve said… I think dream sellers come in all shapes and forms… Genders too. I’d like to think I haven’t been a dream seller. I have though chased some. I was trying to buy em, and booyyy did my heart pay a hearty price. I think because of my personality, people can’t read me. I’ve stood in the presence of the very ones who have bankrupt my lil emotions and never skipped a beat… Ohhh I stand very stochicly while there, but behind closed doors… It’s wate works city!! In my “old age” and experience, I’ve gotten much better with thaws dream sellers. I ain’t buying, but I may rent if I’m feeling like it lol.. Matter of fact.. Im sick of renting too… It’s bout time to own the reality….

    Reply
  3. Jubilance

    Last Friday I wrote about how much I loathe the backup plan, and your story illustrates exactly why. I used to be a backup planner myself, until I realized that I was never fully in the moment & the relationship because I was too busy making sure I had my next gig lined up. It wasn’t fair to whoever I was with, and when you’re lining up that backup plan, sometimes you get seduced by the idea of something new, thinking it will be better than what you have, and you fall for the classic “grass is greener” scenario.

    Reply
    1. madscientist7 Post author

      yeah i read your post. it was pretty good. and you’re right about that. you can never really be into a relationship if you still have prospects on the side.

      Reply
  4. Muze

    this is a good post.

    i’v e been a dream seller before, unintentionally so, but i have. i’ve also been sold a dream. i think where our hearts are concerned, we tend to want to believe that the person we Love feels exactly the same as we do. and since we can’t imagine bringing them harm, we assume they wouldn’t either.

    Love can blind one more than any eye injury.

    Reply
  5. nowsayitwithme

    Well damn. I guess that explains why we didn’t work out. Okay, I kid. Seriously. I’m so joking. Look at my e-face: (‘_’).
    Moving on, this was kinda painful to read, knowing that I lived this up until some point – just don’t want to find out there are other women & I’m good. I like bliss ignorance. But yeah, painful to read because there’s some truth in it. Not saying any parts of your post was false. Hell, it’s your experience. You felt it, so it’s pretty damn real. And it also “excuses” your “jaded” behavior. I thought about apologizing on behalf of the trick that slapped you BUT that’s her business. I’m sorry you let it happen Tree 😦 No one should be slapped in public & she shouldn’t have done it. That was disrespectful in all angles that the light is shone on that event. (I had to go back and reread the part about the slap, it felt like I was there watching it happen in slow motion TWICE)
    But don’t you love it when they come back? When they clearly made it seem like all they wanted is your “friendship” but they come slivering back into your life like everything SHOULD be okay? Yeah, can you tell I’ve been sold a dream? Broke lady status, I put it on layaway, just so I could have that deposit on it. And just in case it didn’t work out – which it looks like it’s not – I can get that deposit back. But I’d been making small payments here and there. Heavy investment where I’d been on time with payments. *sigh* My rant ends. In conclusion…
    Women sell dreams. Men sell dreams. Life is painful. Love is too. Scars? I got band-aids!!

    Reply
  6. madscientist7 Post author

    also, i don’t want to make it seem like i was perfect in that relationship and had to no fault in why we broke up. i know that i was all in though and to me that is a good enough foundation as there is one.

    Reply
  7. Euphoric Ears

    Good post. As the first commenter said, folks are sold dreams everday. And it sucks. I remember telling my friend one time during this rather unfortunate relationship, that my heart literally hurt. The emotional pain was that serious. Being sold a dream sucks, but I think it’s how you cope with it afterward that really counts. I refuse to let a person from my past dictate how I love in the future.

    Reply
    1. madscientist7 Post author

      “Being sold a dream sucks, but I think it’s how you cope with it afterward that really counts. I refuse to let a person from my past dictate how I love in the future.”

      yeah you’re right. its how you deal with it afterwards is what counts but its like a child not knowing fire is hot. they are unassuming and ignorant to the fact but after that first burn they aren’t completely scared of the stove but they’ll behave a lot more cautiously around it though.

      Reply
  8. Slim Jackson

    Women sell dreams every day b. People make promises or proclamations then renege or contradict themselves without as much as a hesitation. I’ve developed an on and off switch as a result. I used to wonder how people did it. But after going through a few things of my own, I realized it’s pretty easy. May not be the healthiest, but it’s easy.

    Reply
  9. Corrin

    So I NEVER COMMENT,BUT here goes……. I completely agree with previous comments regarding both sexes abilities to sell dreams. My “problem” with part of your post is “We do this because we figure if we put all our eggs in one basket then why wouldn’t the woman we are with. I mean all we hear women talk about is how men aren’t willing to settle down so when we decide we want to then she should be all in right?” Just b/c YOUR all in doesn’t mean the woman is. Just b/c YOU decided that this was your golden relationship doesn’t mean it is for her. I think often time b/c women deal with this issue a lot more than men (for this very reason) we are better equipped to deal with it. But because most men feel like “well if I chose you then you should feel lucky/honored” they can’t understand a women not jumping at the chance to be all in with them.

    In regards to the actual “selling of dreams” I think its rather interesting. B/c if we actually look at most situations its only a small portion that were actually being sold a dream. Meaning did that person REALLY lead you on or did you not pay attention? Did you hear what you wanted to hear?Did they tell you what was up, but you decided to interpret their actions to mean something else? You said yourself you have “unintentionally broke a few hearts”…… I’ve also recently realized that all of this, the heart ache the drama, the broken hearts, the healing are a critical part of the dating game,its almost like a requirement “to pass go”…gotta kiss a few frogs b/4 you find your prince!

    Reply
    1. madscientist7

      corrin, because we know each other in real life you know why i said she should have been all in. well maybe you don’t because that relationship ended before we met. she pursued me as much as i pursued her. you don’t make plans far into future (10 years) with someone who you are not all the way in with.

      i understand your need to try to undermine me though 😉

      Reply
  10. Janina Jeff

    This was an interesting read. I have to agree with Corrin, while this may not be the case for you. Several men, especially black men, feel when they have decided to settle down that the woman needs to feel honored, special, but for what? Because you know the stats….because you know being a straight educated black man is rare? I feel a lot of black men are arrogant when it comes to this. That they are so rare and since black woman usually are not open to dating outside of their race they will settle for any black man that is straight, educated and ready to settle down. NOT TRUE! A man’s idea of settling down is to stop sleeping around, while a woman usually associates this is with sacrificing SOME of her career to be a good wife and wholesome mother.I personally think that a man should be equally honored and feel lucky if a woman chooses to settle down….shit it takes just as much on both ends.

    Now about this “back-up” plan. I feel women do this more so than men. This is usually because the woman has been hurt from a previous relationship by a man who broke up with her suddenly much like what you describe. She then feels in her subsequent relationships that she ought to have a back up plan in case another dude does the same thing she has something to fall back on and hopefully will never feel the heartache and pain. It’s an action of fear and insecurity. We all are guilty of it but over time we all began to realize how that never made logical sense…lol. The backup plan never replaces the main squeeze (a.k.a the person your boyfriend or significant other) and doesn’t help the heartache feel any different….shit still hurts! Usually the backup plan is the reason things never work with the main squeeze. “Back up plans” are just a distraction and usually prevent you from focusing on the potential of the relationship with the main squeeze.

    Aight I’m done!

    Reply
  11. That Damn African

    Yeah, I’ve been the seller and the buyer. I remember being in a relationship with this girl that I was physically attracted to, but didn’t have deep feelings for. I basically let her think I was this guy who deeply cared about her until I got bored. I also had a girlfriend who I loved hard. We weren’t in a relationship for long, but she was pretty adamant about how deeply she felt about me. Then before I knew it, she broke up with me. Most people get gypped by a seller at some point in their life. Just gotta use that experience to become a better shopper.

    Reply
  12. nianaturally

    That’s effed up. Three men? Trifling…

    I’ve been sold that pipe dream, and it was all peaches and cream while I was on that trip. it didn’t work out, and it definitely scarred me. Because of that situation, I keep a backup plan, and I know I’ve sold the dream, only to back out at the end. It sucks, and I felt bad about it, but like they say, hurt people hurt people. And during that time, i wasn’t in a place where I could truly give my heart completely to him. you live, you learn, you grow, and you do better. Such is life…

    Reply
  13. Nikki

    Nice post. I agree with all of the above comments, both men and women are guiltly of selling dreams.

    So to the point……. during the process of something being sold you must have both a salesman and a customer. We all have or will play one of those roles in a relationship, some times intentionally and some times not. I think we are sometime so overwhelmed by the love we have for a person we become unrealistic to who they really are. Thus allowing ourselves to be sold a dream. (Unfortunately I’m speaking from experience.) If only we (especially woman) could learn to be more subjective in relationships with out losing the romance. Seeing things clearly instead of thru rose tinted glasses. Just thinking about a relationship you’ve had that u were just maybe luke warm about. Where u not able to spot their bull a mile a way???

    Just my thoughts.

    Reply
  14. gemmieboo

    You see Sowhatiff had her woman’s intuition which allowed her to avoid a potentially sticky situation and come out virtually unscathed.

    though women tend to have this “woman’s intuition” that doesnt mean we always adhere to it. just like men, when we fall we fall hard. and we will ignore all the warning signs that say “this could possibly end bad.” when you really like some one, and when some one has convinced you that they are worthy of your love, its hard to move past that–esp when you really WANT things to work out. from personal experience, ive stayed in situations that were less than ideal because i thought that his actions would eventually live up to his words. sometimes women can completely bypass our “intuition” to chase a dream. ive done it more times than i care to admit.

    Reply
  15. Luelle Ioannou

    Well damn. I guess that explains why we didn’t work out. Okay, I kid. Seriously. I’m so joking. Look at my e-face: (‘_’).Moving on, this was kinda painful to read, knowing that I lived this up until some point – just don’t want to find out there are other women & I’m good. I like bliss ignorance. But yeah, painful to read because there’s some truth in it. Not saying any parts of your post was false. Hell, it’s your experience. You felt it, so it’s pretty damn real. And it also “excuses” your “jaded” behavior. I thought about apologizing on behalf of the trick that slapped you BUT that’s her business. I’m sorry you let it happen Tree No one should be slapped in public & she shouldn’t have done it. That was disrespectful in all angles that the light is shone on that event. (I had to go back and reread the part about the slap, it felt like I was there watching it happen in slow motion TWICE)But don’t you love it when they come back? When they clearly made it seem like all they wanted is your “friendship” but they come slivering back into your life like everything SHOULD be okay? Yeah, can you tell I’ve been sold a dream? Broke lady status, I put it on layaway, just so I could have that deposit on it. And just in case it didn’t work out – which it looks like it’s not – I can get that deposit back. But I’d been making small payments here and there. Heavy investment where I’d been on time with payments. *sigh* My rant ends. In conclusion…Women sell dreams. Men sell dreams. Life is painful. Love is too. Scars? I got band-aids!!
    +1

    Reply
  16. Pingback: Male Whores « The Native Son

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