The Dating Game

“Yea but it was a general response I guess. I personally can’t date two people at the same time. Stupid, I know.” Pretty Keety

Ladies, Ladies, Ladies. Pull up a chair. Let’s have a little discussion shall we.

This was a comment that I received on my last post, Celibacy Blues. After reading that response it reminded me of a post that I meant to write a while back but I never did because I could never figure out how to tackle the subject. Its not new to any of y’all that black women bear the brunt of social and news media’s attempts to document the “dispair” of black marriage. All you have to do is click on a number of blog links, turn on your television or buy the latest urban magazine. Some of these outlets attempt to offer solutions to this “problem”. The one that sticks out the most to me is that black women should start seriously consider dating outside their race. I mean if it works for you then by all means go right ahead. I have a more practical solution. Try dating more than one man at a time. I’ll tell you the benefits of this solution a little later.

This brings me to the quote above. Black women in general don’t really approve of dating more than man a time [1]. It seems like a lot of times a woman will meet a man she really likes and instead of exploring all of her options she invests all of her emotions into that one man. Doesn’t matter if another guy is also feeling her. She puts all her eggs in her proverbial basket. When things don’t work out between her and that guy she’s left wondering how she got to this point.

I think black women were raised to believe that “good” girls only entertain one man at a time. I’m here to tell you that just because you’re dating a man it doesn’t mean you have to be fucking him. Hell date as many men as your schedule permits. Date seven men. None of them have to know what you look like naked. If you like one man more than the next then see him a little more often. You’re not in a committed relationship. You’re dating. So date.

You want to compare other races’ relationships with ours fine. White people date for fun. They find someone they are really compatible with then they slow down and start weening others off until eventually they are only seeing that person. Its a process. I think a lot of times black women put the cart before the horse. We go on three dates, we have sex and now you want us to be together exclusively. Maybe its me but that seems a little backwards.

Dating and taking your time while seeing other potential suitors allows you perspective. You’re not seeing a person too much. You’re not consumed with them. It allows you to spread your focus on more than one man. Why is this important? Because more than likely that man you’ve been fawning over isn’t limiting his options so why should you? Matter of fact he might even step up his game if he finds out he’s not your only option. Late for a date? Bet he’ll think twice if he believes someone might be there to take his place.

Don’t really know how I should end this but just promise me you’ll think about our little chat will you?

—–

1. According to my friend black women in Los Angeles date. She was shocked when I told her that generally women in other regions aren’t as forward thinking.

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69 thoughts on “The Dating Game

  1. max

    Hahaha I would gladly date more than one man at a time if I could find more than one date-able man at a time. I’m averaging about one a year.

    Reply
    1. Keona

      Co-sign. I usually meet one dateable guy & a few “losers” at best. So naturally I give my attention to the guy that I’m genuinely interested in. The last thing I want to do is accidentally fall for a slut because I was spending too much time with his ineligible behind.

      (Before anyone gets offended, I used the term losers to mean un-dateable men. Doesn’t make them actual losers, just not viable candidates for a relationship.)

      Reply
      1. MelaninEnriched

        Nothing to add! Co-sign 100% on both posts! If I could find more than one date-able BM, then I’d totally do it! But that’s not that often. Date-able is the operative word!

  2. Keisha

    I agree with max. Black date-able men are rare! I like black men so thats who I want to date. I’m not opposed to dating outside my race but I’ve never been seriously approached by a man outside of my race. Single date-able black men are not easy to find especially where I’m located!

    Reply
    1. madscientist7 Post author

      “Single date-able black men are not easy to find especially where I’m located!”

      and what city would this be? unless its somewhere like omaha i think you just aren’t looking in the right places.

      Reply
  3. Dots

    I’m with Max on this. If there were more date-able men, sure more than one date. But I’m glad you did this post. I used to think that dating more than one person was rude. But then you said the “You’re not consumed with them” and that’s a big thing that I’ve seen happen a lot. People spend so much time with that ONE person that they become consumed with them and miss out on life and other possible suitors…

    Reply
    1. Dots

      Kinda funny that we’re all in areas with undateables. Lol but I’m sure that people who are date-worthy are out there. Guess we gotta get out and put in the work? *shrug*

      Reply
    2. KatWebb84

      On one hand, yeah, it’s not the style these days to get so caught up with one person. On the other, whatever happened to liking someone enough to actually give them their own shot, rather than put them in a race with others? Maybe we had it right back in elementary school. LOL.

      Reply
  4. coachskeewee

    Couldn’t agree more! I was raised to be courted by one man, but this is a new age & men have changed… I’ve changed with them! Sexting them all is still whoring, in my opinion, but dating multiple guys at once is a lot of fun!

    Reply
  5. SeeOmara

    I notice that ppl look down on me when I tell them you are dating more than one person… I keep my mouth shut now. People are trying to give me advice on how to lock down a man… Um I just like free meals at this point and going to new places. The thing about dating is this:

    1. You might make a new friend
    2. You can expand your network of associates
    3. Free Meals and adventures

    So if you can date more than 1 person you can have LOTS of FREE MEALS and LOTS OF FREE ADVENTURES!!!

    Hell I don’t discriminate white, black, yellow, orange i don’t care as long as you are cute and respect me I am down for a great time.

    Dating one person is where some ppl might fall into the “I think I am his gf” mindset and start doing gf things.

    I feel like this, unless we discuss to make it exclusive I am free to be a nomad.

    For me when I keep things light I don’t sweat the little stuff, because I know its not that serious and the date is just a break from my monotonous lifestyle.

    Reply
    1. madscientist7 Post author

      i agree with all of this except the free meals part. not saying you would do this but there are women out there who won’t even remotely like a guy and will use him for a free meal or drinks or whatever else. i’m not a fan of leading people on.

      Reply
      1. SeeOmara

        Oh I don’t lead ppl on if I like you I will go out with you. If I don’t like you I can’t stand to waste my precious nap time on you. Nap time is a hot commodity in these streets so the person I am dating I actually do like because I rather sleep lol

  6. nowsayitwithme

    LOL. I want to make a date-able comment but I think I know a “solution” to that issue. I was never down with the multiple dates until recently. I let two different guys take me out and I wasn’t forced to lift a finger or an article of clothing. I’m sure there are more date-suitable ones that I’ll have some interest in. Thanks for this dating game “schooling”

    Reply
    1. Dots

      dateable black men. definition is right there. Men that we feel comfortable enough to actually say yes to going out with for a “good time”. Call it being picky. I call it having a preference. You wouldn’t go on dates with just ANYONE would you? I wouldn’t. So if I feel I can’t date you, then sir, you are undateable. lol

      Reply
      1. madscientist7 Post author

        ok maybe i should have been more specific. in your opinion what makes a black man dateable to you. or what would make you comfortable enough to say yes to a date? just curious. this answer is different for everyone.

      2. Dots

        (disclaimer: Initial response is based on preference not shallowness & yes you’re right. Different for everyone) What would make me comfortable enough? Well good looking black men are a plus. Why not? His approach and the entire first impression. That 1st impression is going to help me decide whether I’ll smile more & listen to what you have to say OR push my headphones deeper into my ears and go about my business. Did that answer it?

  7. Lioness Rising

    I love the idea of dating multiple men. I haven’t been approached by several men at a time yet to put that into practice, but I think that if a man asks you out for Friday and another for Saturday, then you should go to both dates. And sometimes having people to compare a man to gives you even better results. You might have thought Mark was sweet but once you went out with David you realized Mark wasn’t as sweet as you thought. Comparisons can show you that there is always something better out there. I heard men actually like it a woman is dating other men, it increase the thrill of the chase, have to be better than the competition to win the girl.

    Reply
      1. Dots

        another +1 over here. Comparisons really do work. I mean, with time, I got to see why dating more than one isn’t bad at all.

      2. SeeOmara

        me too with the +1. I also feel like comparisons also help you figure out what characteristics you may want from a man

    1. KatWebb84

      “Comparisons can show you that there is always something better out there.”

      Is this always good, though? Yeah, there’s always someone better. So will you be dating forever? At what point do you decide, “Ok, this guy is nice. I like this guy. I’m staying put.” instead of just continuing to try to one-up yourself?

      Reply
  8. Holley Monelle

    Interesting perspective. Every black female friend I have dates the ‘Los Angeles’ way, lol. Perhaps it is just a regional thing (I’m from NYC) but I’ve always viewed the concept of dating as ‘playing the field.’ Not necessarily SLEEPING with multiple men (that’s a totally separate post) but as you said, gaining perspective through dating other potential suitors. You’ll never know what you want/don’t want in a life partner unless you test the waters.

    Oddly enough, I’ve dated quite a few men who expressed interest in taking things to the ‘next level’ after just a handful of dates. That’s always a red light for me. I’m not taking any next steps until I’ve seen some flaws, lol. I think we all know that everyone puts their best foot, hell, FEET forward in those first few weeks. I think it’s really important to see the good AND bad in a person. If/when you get to a point where you feel like you can enjoy said person in spite of those ‘bad’ things, fantastic. It’s perfectly fine to welcome the company of other suitors in the meantime. Variety is the spice of life. Phase out those who don’t fit you.

    In the end, it’s not even about having options — it’s about getting what you deserve out of a relationship whenever you do make the decision to settle down.

    Reply
    1. madscientist7 Post author

      perhaps its only been the women i’ve been exposed to or women in the south.

      you raise an interesting point about men who want to rush into things. i’d be very weary of men like that. maybe they weren’t hugged enough as children. something is off about them.

      Reply
    2. 48

      “I’m not taking any next steps until I’ve seen some flaws…I think it’s really important to see the good AND bad in a person”

      This. I never feel like I know anything about a person until i’ve had a chance to see how they react in a bad situation where they’re like out of their mind irritated.

      “I think we all know that everyone puts their best foot, hell, FEET forward in those first few weeks”

      Most people do. I like to think that i put my bad foot forward first though…maybe i don’t – hopefully i do 😛 But conceptually, I don’t really see the sense in delaying what might be an inevitable exit when the real you comes out.

      Reply
  9. simplymerenee

    I recently started entertaining the thought of dating more than one man at a time more for the benefits than anything else. Since I’ve moved back to my hometown, I’ve been wanting to try all new things and go places that I’ve never been. Who better to do this with than a man? And I’ve always been told “you never know who people know or what they can introduce you to”. I may not find love with a man that I’ve decided to date, but I could make some friendships and connections that last a lifetime.

    Reply
  10. Faye

    I dated before I (settled isn’t the right word) chose my current partner. I’m colour blind anyway I just know what I want and it so happens what I want doesn’t care about race. But before I decided I wanted to be exclusively my partner’s…I was seeing at least 3 other guys, it seemed perfectly normal to me….its always seemed normal to me, after all its called dating not marriage.

    Reply
  11. Lynn

    So much to say! I agree, I think its best to date more than one guy. It really is about meeting new people, new experiences, and life lessons. I’ve lived both sides of the issue. And hands down I learned more about myself, men in general, and helped me better define the qualities and characteristics I wanted in a husband. In terms of who is dateable, as I matured, the question I would ask myself was, “Do I think this guy is good company?” If the answer is yes, I’d go. 9/10 times I had a good time.

    I can identify with the idea of it being hard to meet people. I really can! Best 3 pieces of advice I can offer to ladies (and guys!): 1) SMILE, who wants to approach an expressionless or angry-looking person? Not me. 2) Leave your phone in your purse. People are much less likely to approach you when you’re talking on the phone or sending off a flood of texts and tweets. Make yourself available for basic human interaction, small talk and eye contact. 3) If a guy does ask you out, don’t immediately make excuses for why you should not. Its only a date, not a commitment and he just might surprise you.

    I’ve been married for almost 5 years now. I met my hubby I while I was dating 2 other guys. But after 3 dates with hubby, we were both head over heels and ready to commit. We got engaged maybe 2 weeks later, and married within the year. Although our courtship was crazy fast, it was my previous experience with other men and the time I spent growing and knowing myself, that let me make these important fast-moving decisions with confidence.

    Reply
    1. madscientist7 Post author

      good advice. never really thought about number 2 before. you and your husband did move pretty fast. if you don’t mind me asking how old were each of y’all when you got married?

      Reply
      1. Lynn

        When we got married I was 25 and he was 26. We really did move fast. I don’t recommend that for everyone, but it was right for us.

        When you first start dating, its true that people are on their best behavior, “peacock stage” as my dad likes to call it. But I’m happy to say, 6 years after we met, my hubby is the same today. He’s very confident in himself and has authentic relationships with people in his life.

  12. RMR

    I’ll be the first to admit that I used to be one of those women who put all of her eggs in one basket; however, having dropped said basket on multiple occasions I no longer do that.

    I don’t limit myself to one person, and I’ve realized that I date multiple people because they all satisy a different need. Guy A has the financial portfolio of a Fortune 500 CEO but is more than a little uptight. Guy B is so much fun to be with, can really be myself and laugh with this one but his pockets and cupboards are often bare. Guy C…well, he’s good for my self-esteem! He practically worships the ground I walk one.

    So you see, I’m all for dating multiples. I encourage all women to do so as well.

    Reply
  13. Keona

    Here’s what happened the last time I tried to date more than one guy at a time. Granted I met these guys all around the same time frame & a couple on a same night. These were all single, attractive guys.

    Guy 1: Never had a phone conversation with me. He only wanted to text and had the nerve to try to sleep with me a couple weeks in. Dude, I barely know what your voice sounds like!!

    Guy 2: Had a girlfriend. Lied to me about it. And still lies to this day ( a whole year later).

    Guy 3: Was clearly out of my dateable age range & got mad when I “Dad-Zoned” him.

    Guy 4: He did everything perfectly. Called me every night, texted me during the day, and made me forget guys 1-3 even existed.

    So, even when I attempt to date more than one guy at a time, it never lasts for long. There are so few actual dateable men available that when I find one I like, I have no choice but to let the other losers fall back. I can’t even consider what occurred with Guys 1-3 actual dating. So why bother?

    Reply
    1. Lioness Rising

      I think in this instance multiple dating worked well for you. Imagine if you had dated each of those guys one at a time and you hadn’t gone with #4 first? By the time you were finished dating each guy one by one #4 may not even have been available anymore. You don’t need to date all 4 guys for a long period of time for this to work. You just have to give more than one guy a chance at the same time. You should be trying to weed men and get to one that has the best chance of giving you a happy, healthy, long term relationship.

      Reply
      1. Keona

        Really? I didn’t even really consider what I did with guys 1-3 dating because I never really established much of a romantic interest. It was over pretty much as soon as it began. Guy 4 got most of my attention, and my most I mean all. I was dating him exclusively by default.

  14. I Am Your People

    1. According to my friend black women in Los Angeles date. She was shocked when I told her that generally women in other regions aren’t as forward thinking.

    Just curious – are you from the South? I’m asking because this is the only region of the country that I’ve noticed people never date, they get married (usually twice by 25) East Coast, West Coast, Midwest, I’ve never heard of anyone opposed to dating multiple people. Folks only get judgmental if you’re smanging all of them

    Reply
      1. Lynn

        I’m from the South. I agree that multiple dating is not really acceptable. There is a mindset that “good girls” don’t date multiple men.

        I got married at 25 and my grandma thought I was practically elderly in terms of marriage. She told me that we should have kids ASAP because I wasn’t young and it wouldn’t get easier. lol. Lover her! She was married at 16 so, I guess from her POV she was right.

      2. simplymerenee

        I’m from the South, and my grandmother is really concerned that my sisters and I will never get married. I’m only 24. But she met my grandfather at 14 and he knew he would marry her after 2 weeks. Dating is a not a concept that she even attempts to understand.

      3. madscientist7 Post author

        @ simplymerenee

        i don’t think your grandparents went that route because they were from the south i think its at testament to how black people viewed love in that time period.

      4. KatWebb84

        I’m from TX. Perhaps that’s where my urgency for marriage and for relationships with marriage potential comes from. So glad it’s not only me. I’m 26 and the fact that I’ve only been in one relationship with even the POTENTIAL for marriage causes me no small amount of anxiety. I wish I could be like all these NYC girls and think I have “plenty of time”, but I’m not the procrastinating type.

  15. Jubilance

    I think I wrote about this on my blog too. I think the whole “dating one person at a time” thing is retarded, seriously. As you said, dating is not the same as fucking, and it annoys me that so many Black ppl think those words are synonyms. I’ve always dated more than one guy at a time, because I like to keep my options open. And until I’m in a committed monogamous relationship, I’m a free agent & I can date whoever I want.

    Reply
  16. Stacy

    I have said this for years, we always meet a guy, “talk” or “date” then we are in a relationship. As black women we sometimes narrow our focus too much. I will say that white people date for fun, but they are also having sex. It’s more acceptable for them to do this, look at all of the reality shows for example Jersey Shore they bring a different dude or girl home every night , but let Evelyn from basketball wives do Chad on the first night even though they have been talking and in contact previously…. So now Evelyn is branded a hoe….. It seems that with black women and men, but mainly from the view point of a women what is considered a “hoe” is a totally different definition of what white women would consider a “hoe”. White women date and have sex, but unfortunately black women can’t necessarily do this without being branded. One reason is that we have this limited view on dating , two – black men have adopted that limited view on dating and even though they attempt to sex you at any given time they ultimately are going to think you’re a hoe if you actually oblige to what they are saying… stupid yes but oh well. I remember I dated this guy from out of town we talked over the phone, texted and he finally came to see me. Things got hot and heavy one night, I stopped it. Why… b/c I didn’t want to look like a hoe doing him on the first night…. Even though he asked me why I stopped and attempted to get me continue to get things going. Do you know about 6 months later this negro told me that he respected me for not going all the way that night. WTF are you serious so did you not respect yourself when you were trying to get me to go the whole way?? So backwards!!

    I do agree with not sexing every guy you go out with mainly b/c you are going to get caught up within that limited view I mentioned above! I have experienced this with dating. I have attempted to date multiple guys at once, not sexing just dating and come to find out all these mf’ers knew each other. So this theory does not work in smaller towns, or areas where pretty much anybody knows each other, or dealing with guys in fraternities (you can forget multiple chapters they all know each other), or social groups…. Which pretty much knocks out 6 of the 8 dudes you would possible be interested in out!

    Reply
    1. madscientist7 Post author

      personally i wouldn’t lose any respect for a woman if i slept with her early on. now if she equated that to us being together that would make me pause and take heed. i think those actions might be misconstrued by her as i lost respect for her. in fact its commendable that she knows what she wants and doesn’t let society dictate how she lives her life.

      so in fact when you say this:

      “black men have adopted that limited view on dating and even though they attempt to sex you at any given time they ultimately are going to think you’re a hoe if you actually oblige to what they are saying”

      you really mean immature black men adopt this view

      Reply
  17. Miss Jenkins

    I think part of the issue some women have with dating more than one man at a time is the different definitions of “dating.” For some people it means exclusivity, for others, not so much. And some people think dating means sexing, too (I don’t). I don’t see anything wrong with getting to know or going out with or spending time with more than one man. Many older women have told me and my friends that it’s important to keep your options open. Dating more than one dude is the way to do that. Until a conversation about exclusivity comes up, it’s likely he is doing the same or feels free to do so.

    Reply
  18. 48

    “Don’t really know how I should end this but just promise me you’ll think about our little chat will you?”

    What you’re suggesting is definitely a more logical and far better approach to dating. Though there are a few issues to wrestle with before I’d ever be able to get to that point. The first issue being what the ladies have already addressed – I too average like one/two date-able guys per semi-annum. Although now that I’m thinking about it, that may have something to do with my lifestyle than the actual shortage of great guys.

    The second issue being that I just can’t wrap my head around the notion of seeing several people at the same time. The few times that I get multiple offers, I just pick one 😦 Maybe i’d do two but 3/4/5//6 ??? I’d be overwhelmed.Although I am glad that you brought this up – perhaps it’s time for a change.

    Reply
    1. madscientist7 Post author

      “Although now that I’m thinking about it, that may have something to do with my lifestyle than the actual shortage of great guys.”

      glad you said it before i could.

      Reply
  19. mab

    I agree with your post 100%. Why not date more than one man at a time until your in a relationship? At the very least you’ll find a friend or you’ll learn what you dont like in a mate.

    Reply
    1. madscientist7 Post author

      i think sometimes people think the end goal of dating has to be marriage. sometimes friendships can blossom. i’m real cool with a couple of women i’ve dated in the past. it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

      Reply
  20. LushLife

    I’m just curious where did this date like women from Los Angeles came from? The movies? Eventhough I’m from Los Angeles and never thought about the number of men I dated at the same time, I just always wondered where statements like that came from.

    Reply
    1. madscientist7 Post author

      i was talking with my friend (who is from los angeles) and i was telling her how women date that i’ve be exposed to. she said that she didn’t and neither did any of her friends from back home. so i sort of took it and ran with it and included the whole city.

      Reply
  21. KatWebb84

    Last summer was the summer of dating. I was going on 3-4 dates a week. Free dinner. Free drinks. Free movies. I make my own money, so it wasn’t about that. I was spreading my proverbial wings and doing as the Romans (New Yorkers) do, which was date, have a bit of casual sex, on my “Sex in the City” ish.

    Anyway, at the end of that summer, I still didn’t have a dude. Boo season started up and I still only had my few regulars and no one to snuggle with. I tried dating multiple guys again, this time with a bit more purpose, but they could always feel that I wasn’t doing it “just for sport” and flaked out after the 2nd or 3rd date. They’d all “been hurt before” and weren’t “looking for anything serious”.

    So really, what’s the point of this kind of dating? In theory, it’s so you can deal with men in great batches and pick the best. But when they ALL fall away during the sorting, it just seems like a waste of time and a bunch of numbers you need to delete out of your phone.

    To be honest, I feel a bit paralyzed about how to go forward. I’d like a dude, but it seems like you have to date many dudes at a time not to scare the one you’re interested in, who might ultimately not choose you of the people HE’s dating, and in the end, you’re still single. In short, I’ve been canceling a lot of dates the day before recently, lol.

    Reply
    1. madscientist7 Post author

      honestly you can’t use your personal experience to knock the whole process. i understand that it didn’t work for you in this instance but then again neither did dating men period. you’re not giving up on that also are you? i hope not.

      “But when they ALL fall away during the sorting,”

      see i don’t think that they’ll all fall away during the sorting. perhaps in that specific instance but c’mon really what are the chances of it happening. not saying this method works for everyone. i was just throwing it out as an alternative.

      Reply
      1. KatWebb84

        Well, I was dating multiple dudes that WHOLE summer. And they ALL fell away. Tried it again in the Spring. Same deal. I’m not knocking it for everyone, but yeah, in my experience, not giving anyone your full attention leads to not really getting to know any of those people. And then they just become another random dude you’re eating dinner with.

        And someone pointed out that fact that dating multiple people makes you aware that you can always do better. I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. The grass is always greener. I don’t know. I guess I’m just more the settling down type, not so much the good is never good enough type.

  22. blackgirlmd

    That’s the only way I know how to date. The best way to characterize my dating life is like a basketball team. The individual guys are the “players” on my roster. I have a star player, second-string, one on the bench, one who is injured, one who is on leave, a number 1 draft pick, etc. I am the coach… no… actually I am the team owner. LOL.

    The only problem is that you can get really detached from dating… but that can be a good thing. Like when you meet guys who you click with but are just unwilling to invest in a good thing for whatever reason, since you’re not investing too much thought/energy for them either, it doesn’t phase you as much. Its like that player who misses practices, comes late, etc. He’s got a lot of talent, but no focus, no drive. Who has time for that? Especially when you got a team full of decent players who are willing to work hard and came to win. You focus on the people who are focused on you…. who show you that they want it.

    Reply
    1. DCBuppie

      Yep Keep a Bench and diversify. Ummm yea, never understand why women tend to do that. Truthfully think about it. if you have multiple folks you can never be bored. + Longevity is key. You dont want to put eggs in a basket, when nothing has hatched. (They aint sound right, but you all get it!)

      Reply

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