verb (used with object)
Lately I’ve been on a self-reflection tip. Perhaps its because I just passed a milestone birthday but I’ve been looking back at my life and I’m gratified with the accomplishments that I have and all the personal achievements that I have met. On the other hand I can’t help but dwell with discontent when I reminisce over some of the mistakes I’ve made over the years. Lately, I’ve been dealing with an emotion that is foreign to me. That emotion which I’ve managed to elude this long is regret.
I’ve always had the train of thought that until the time machine is invented there is no use in harping on the past. I have always lived my life knowing that I whatever decisions I’ve made there is no way I can change it so its better to just roll with the punches and take whatever consequences or rewards my actions brought me. But yesterday as I laid in my bed before I fell asleep I wondered what I would do if I had a time machine.
If only this were real.
1. I fucked that shit up trying to be a player. I’m going to let you in on a little secret about me. I’ve never been broken up with. I’ve always been the break up-er and not the break up-ee. That doesn’t mean that I won in some way or that any of my exes would have broken up with me. It just happened to work out that way. Even based on that fact I have that one relationship where I wish I would have done things differently. I still wonder from time to time how things would have turned out if I wasn’t so stubborn and selfish.
2. School was my hustle. I’m glad I attended the schools that I did but sometimes I wonder how things would have turned out if I went the Ivy route. My grades and standardized test scores were certainly good enough where I probably would have received scholarships to any school I applied to. I didn’t. I wanted to attend an HBCU. The only PWIs I applied to were Temple University and the University of Maryland. Perhaps more opportunities could have opened themselves up to me.
3. I am my brother’s keeper. I understand that people are going to live their life and you have to allow people to make their own decisions but sometimes I feel like I failed my brothers. My youngest brother is 20 years old. When I was 20 I was senior in college and I was applying to graduate school. Also around that time my parents got divorced. At the time my brother was 11. He stayed with my mother. I noticed a change in his behavior. He went from an A/B student who talked with me about going to college and pledging my fraternity to C/D student who constantly got suspended for fighting. I tried to give my advice but I should have been there more. The same goes for my other brother but that’s another entire blog post in itself.
These are just a few things that I regret. Do you look back at your life and remorse over anything?