This past weekend I had a conversation with a friend. During our conversation I told her something about myself that only two other people on this planet know about me. A secret that I’ve held guarded under lock and key for as long I can remember. I don’t know what made me tell her. I didn’t come to some epiphany. It just sort of came out. This may seem commonplace to some but I was bewildered how someone as secretive and closed off as I am came to this juncture.
Perhaps saying that I’m secretive is the wrong word to use. That implies that I’m uncommunicative and button-lipped. I think I’m more candid than that. I believe that I have two very distinct sides. On one side I’m well-liked which would make one think that I’m automatically a people person. I am for the most part. I get along with most people I cross paths with. The other side of me which very few people are privy to is recluse and modest. Sometimes I wonder if its healthy having such opposing personalities. I’ve been told that its unhealthy keeping issues bottled up and not finding some type of outlet. I have a couple of issues with trusting others with my most sacred secrets.
Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and tear you. Matthew 7:6 This is not to say that those I would entrust my business would be careless with that information… actually that’s exactly what I’m saying. Not everyone will tell your business but the second a secret leaves your lips there is a chance of a ripple effect and that report traveling faster than you could ever imagine.
“It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else’s eyes” ~Sally Field Sometimes I obsess over how others view me. I know the cool thing to say would be “I don’t care what other’s think about me” but most people are lying through their teeth when they utter those remarks. Me? I care. A lot of times I try to put forth my best self at all times trying to not show any chinks in my armor. I’m afraid of what people would think of me if I were barefaced and unconcealed.
So for the past couple of days I’ve been thinking. I want to work on opening myself up more and being honest about my past and a lot of secrets I’ve held so close for so long. At the same time I don’t know if I’m ready to just tell one person certain details about myself. Currently I am reading Black Boy, the autobiography of Richard Wright, and I had a fleeting thought which became a full fledged idea. I want to write about my life. At this point its not anything that I would share with anyone but I think I want to put it all out there even if only for my own consumption. I don’t really know how I’m going to go about it or how far I will get but its something that I want to at least try.